There are a few key character traits every girl needs in her toolbox when it comes to love, sex, and relationships.
One is confidence, which I write about in this post.
Another is respect.
Because guys who care more about their own sex-interests than a girl’s best interests, will test her to see if she has it.
Which is what I explained to a young lady who reached out to me, after taking my class, seeking relationship advice for her friend.
Check out our conversation below.
I would like to say that you being at my middle school helped so many people open their eyes and realize how to value themselves. These past few days you have helped me and many others think about our future and decisions. My friend needs some advice and I figured you would be the best person to ask.
She and her boyfriend are very close, she believes she loves him. He has grabbed her breasts under her shirt. She isn’t comfortable with it but didn’t want to say anything. She continued to allow it to happen.
After hearing about what you said, she wants to tell him she isn’t ok with him doing that. But she doesn’t know how to. She feels that if she tells him he will get upset because she has already let him do that. How can she tell him without making things too awkward and making him upset? Please help.
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T…Find out what it means to me…”
Aretha Franklin sang those lyrics best.
Lyrics every girl should be able to stand by with conviction.
Which was my message to the young lady to pass along to her friend…
Thank you for contacting me. Your friend’s first priority should be to respect herself and only deal with guys who will respect her. Touching her breasts is NOT respectful at all. Not only should she not be worried about her boyfriend getting upset, she shouldn’t even be with him because he’s not respecting her.
Some guys are always trying to figure out how much girls respect themselves, which gives them a good idea whether a young lady would be willing to have sex with them.
Here’s how some guys think: If she’ll allow me to talk to her in a disrespectful way (i.e. conversations about sex), and if she’ll let me touch her in a disrespectful way (i.e. touching her breasts), she’ll probably allow me to have sex with her.
If your friend doesn’t demand respect from her boyfriend now, she probably won’t have the nerve to when he becomes even more aggressive.
If she’s willing to do things now just to avoid making him upset, what will she do when things go farther down the staircase? She’s moving into dangerous territory.
Why is she concerned about his feelings when he is obviously not concerned about her future (or respecting her?)
Tell her that when I ask guys in my classes what type of physical contact they would consider to be disrespectful to their future daughters or little sisters, 99% (thousands) of the guys in my class said touching would be the first sign of disrespect.
I guarantee her boyfriend would say the same thing. So, why would she allow him to do anything to her that he wouldn’t want anyone doing with his sister or daughter?
Also, she ALWAYS has the right to change her mind and discontinue behavior that she realizes isn’t appropriate. Any guy who doesn’t understand that doesn’t deserve to be a part of her life.
I hope this is helpful!
Thank you so much! This helped her a lot. I told her everything you said and she understands more now and is going to do something about it. I would also like to thank you once again for coming to our school. I hope to have you visit again soon.
The Problem with Being “Nice”
I often share this letter in the classroom because it’s so critical that girls get this message.
Here’s what I tell them…
The fact that she’s only in middle school and she’s willing to allow him to do more than she’s comfortable with doing concerns me.
Because the girl who doesn’t demand that a guy respect her boundaries in middle school when he’s touching her inappropriately, will be the same girl who will have sex with a guy in high school even though it may not be what she wants to do.
That’s why it’s so important you have this conversation with your daughter.
Again, and again, and again…
A lot of people think it’s the so-called “fast” girls we have to worry about becoming sexually active earlier.
But, I think the girls who are quiet and considered the “nice” girls are just as much at risk of becoming sexually active early.
Because they’re “people pleasers.”
And like the young lady’s friend in the letter, they don’t want to upset the person they’re dating.
Even if it means allowing themselves to be disrespected.
So, if your daughter is a “people pleaser,” continue to remind her that there’s nothing “nice” about being disrespected.
On a scale of 1-10, how likely do you think your daughter would be to demand respect from a date who’s being too aggressive?
If your answer is a number on the lower end of the scale, the good news is it’s not too late to raise it.
Now’s a great time to initiate conversation with your daughter about respecting herself and demanding others do the same.
And having her read this blog post is a good place to start!
P.S. I know as a parent you want to raise a daughter who’s nice and considerate of other people’s feelings, but she also needs to know that her self-respect should NEVER take a back seat to someone else’s feelings. Give your daughter permission to demand respect for herself. And if she needs a confidence boost to help her stand up for herself (and you live in the Atlanta area), 7 Secrets LIVE! is just what she needs. Register her TODAY!
P.P.S. Every girl needs a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T in her relationship toolbox and the confidence to demand it. Please share this post on social media so we can help equip as many girls as possible with this important message.