In last week’s post, I talked about how girls view sex as “forever,” and guys do not. It is the same thing with commitment. Teen girls imagine a “happily ever after” while guys think “we’re monogamous for now.”
And you know what? I can’t be mad at guys for that.
What Guys “Get” that Girls Don’t
Here’s why I think guys get commitment right, and I wish girls would take a page out of their book:
After a girl in class complained about boys being unable to commit in a relationship, a young man who had admitted earlier to being sexually active commented,
Why do girls expect long-term commitments at our age? We are too immature to commit. We don’t really know who we are yet, and the person I am now is probably different than the person I’ll be later. If I don’t even know who I’m going to be in 5 years, why do they expect us to know who we want to be with in 5 years?
“We are too immature…We don’t really know who we are yet…”
Ding! Ding! Ding!
So much wisdom coming from such a young man. Yet, I wonder why he didn’t apply this same logic to his decision to be sexually active?
(**Sidebar: While I do emphasize challenging and empowering girls to make best choices when it comes to love, sex and relationships on the blog, I’m equally vocal in the classroom about challenging and empowering guys to do the same. We must hold them accountable for their choices too! Which is why I had to address this young man’s hypocritical views.)
So, I said,
I totally agree! But if you’re too immature to make a long-term commitment, you’re also too immature to participate in a behavior that could make you a father.
The bottom line is teen girls (and guys) are NOT mature enough to handle long-term “forever” commitments.
So, what can you do to help your daughter “get” it?
Refocus Her Commitment
Guys’ willingness to commit is always a hot topic in my classes. Without fail, a girl will ask, “Why can’t guys commit?” Here’s what I tell them:
Guys do commit. They commit all the time, when it’s something they think is permanent or long-term. If you find a guy who wants to be a professional athlete, he’ll get up at 5am to work out. When you find a guy, who wants to be a professional musician, he’ll get in the basement and practice for hours. Guys just commit to things they think will be around long-term. They realize that teenage relationships don’t normally fall into that category.
I also encourage girls to evaluate their relationship. I tell them the best way to judge how air-tight their commitment is, is by how easy it is to get out of the relationship.
Obviously, there’s nothing binding them to their boyfriends—no paper, no prenups, nothing. So, what does that say about the strength of their commitment?
But I have a bigger question for girls, one you should pose to your daughter: Why do you want to commit to a relationship at your age?
Just like guys commit to things they believe will benefit them long-term, challenge your daughter to refocus her commitment towards things that will help her become successful. And at her age, that won’t be a relationship.
Don’t forget to grab your daughter a copy of my new book 7 Secrets Guys Will Never Tell You. In this book, I dive deep into girls’ decision-making when it comes to commitments and sex. However, the biggest takeaway from the book, that I believe will most benefit your daughter, is that relationships should NEVER define her.