Girls who take my class often complain that guys who won’t pressure them to have sex don’t exist.
I find that’s one of the biggest lies girls believe. And one that I gladly disprove every chance I get (like in Chapter 7 of my book, 7 Secrets Guys Will Never Tell You).
When these same girls do come across a young man who is more than happy to wait, they often believe one of the following:
1. The guy is gay.
I used to have trouble explaining to the girl I love why I wouldn't have sex with her. It dumbfounds her. Sometimes she calls me gay…, but I just shrug it off.
2. He’s cheating on her.
After school on Friday, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex and I said to her, ‘We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to think that I’m using you because I’m not. I can go on till marriage without this.’ She was furious. She got up and began to question if I was cheating on her. She started asking me if I was getting it from some other girl and if I didn’t want her anymore. I sat her down and told her where I was coming from, but…she still either wants to have sex with me or thinks I must be cheating. Time well wasted…
3. He doesn’t find her attractive.
I am sexually active and this girl is the perfect example of what you spoke about. I have noticed that she has low self-esteem because of how jealous she is…She keeps me around so she can hear that she’s beautiful. She’s broken inside and out. Typically, a guy takes advantage of a girl like this, but I don't want to fit the stereotype of the typical guy. But, us without sex rips her apart inside. She thinks the worst and feels that if we're not having sex then she’s either unattractive or I'm cheating on her. What is the best way to go about this?
Almost every time we discuss this issue in class, there is a girl who will shake her head in agreement, signifying that’s in fact what she would think.
How sad is that?? The damage many of our girls inflict upon themselves is often far worse than the heartache any guy could impose.
The Making of a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
I tell the girls that they often create what they say they don’t want and they need to own that. They say they want a guy who loves them and will do what’s best for them; yet when the guys don’t try to have sex, they question the guys’ loyalty, sexuality and their own attractiveness.
As a result, many guys tell me they feel like they’re between a rock and a hard place.
When they try to be stand-up guys who respect a girl enough to not pressure her for sex, they face what can be embarrassing accusations.
And while some guys will stick to their principles of refusing sex, others fold under the pressure. They’ll ask for sex just to avoid those accusations.
Thus the self-fulfilling prophecy.
As a matter of fact, one day a young lady said in class, “I don’t want to have sex, but I at least want him to ask for it.” [I certainly can see why guys are confused.] When I asked her why she would want him to ask if she didn’t want or plan to have sex, she said, “I at least want to know that he does desire me in that way.”
What does that say about our culture that a young lady has a hard time believing and accepting that any guy could find her attractive without asking for sex?
Clearly, we have a lot of work to do in defining a woman’s worth to our daughters.
Help Them Declare a New Prophecy
Low self-esteem blinds girls from realizing there are guys out there who will gladly wait while they date—no questions asked.
Not because they’re gay, or cheating or don’t find their girlfriends attractive.
The type of guy who’d gladly wait is who I refer to in 7 Secrets as the “Best Guy.”
He’s the kind of guy who will deny his sex interests in favor of a young lady’s best interests.
And he’s willing to wait when she doesn’t even believe she’s worth it, like the young man in the quote above.
Girls believe Best Guys are like unicorns. They don’t exist.
That’s a lie and it’s up to us to arm our daughters with the truth.
Let’s help our daughters declare a new prophecy.
One where they not only recognize Best Guys exist, but they realize as Best Girls, they deserve nothing less.