How a Dad Turned his Daughter Against Marriage!
Typically we think of women being the ones who bash guys/men or use stereotypical statements when describing them. I recently received a letter from a young lady whose father was the one who bashed guys and in turn convinced her that she never wanted to get married because there were no “good guys” out there.
Dear Ms. Jackie,
When you came to talk to my class, I had already made up my mind that I wouldn’t wait until I got married to have sex. The main reason I had made up my mind about not waiting till I got married was because I wasn’t planning on ever getting married.
I have always had a very close relationship with my dad, and he has hammered into my head since a young age that all guys are the same. They just want to have sex. For the longest time, I have believed he was right. But when you came in and read some of the letters from guys and told the stories about the decent guys, it gave me hope that one day I will find a good, faithful guy…I now fully intend to wait.
Thank you so much for coming in and talking to us, and please keep doing what you’re doing. There are so many futures you are saving.
I’m sure this father thought his bashing of guys would keep his daughter from “falling for their lines” and becoming sexually active. What he didn’t anticipate was that his focus on the negative, made her believe she would never be able to experience a positive, healthy marriage.
My message to young ladies is if they think all guys are “dawgs,” that is what they will settle for—choosing between a Doberman and a Pit Bull. If they plan to be in a relationship with a guy and they think all guys require sex, then they feel they don’t have a choice about sex. They will tell themselves, “I might as well have sex with this guy because every guy is going to want sex. It is not possible to have a relationship without sex."
Girls need hope, not fear!
Instead of this father convincing his daughter that all guys want sex, he could have warned her about those guys who only want sex. Then he could have encouraged her to hold out for a guy who would be willing to protect her future and health by not having sex with her.
Following are several messages the father could have given his daughter to instill hope instead of fear:
- Sex does not equal love! If a guy tells you that having sex is how you prove your love, he’s not one of the “good guys” that you deserve.
- If a guy doesn’t think you’re worth the wait, then he’s not worth the date!
- If you don’t have sex with your boyfriend, you may lose a boyfriend that you really like; but you’ll never lose a boyfriend who really likes you!
The moral of this story is…
When you are speaking with your children about relationships, please don’t focus on the negative so much that the positive appears impossible.
MonicaOctober 22, 2014 at 9:52 am
As a BIG believer in marriage, you know the title of this post immediately grabbed my attention. I was saddened to read the letter from this young lady. Sad, not only for her, but for her father as well. People teach out of the overflow and experiences of their own lives. It's quite possible that even as a man, this is her father's experience. This is what he truly believes about men, maybe even including himself. It's hard to teach someone something you don't yourself see as possible. Like you said, I'm sure his words were intended to protect his daughter from the guys he described, and that's noble. So many young women out there go unprotected by a father and aren't even privy to his "good intentions," however flawed they may be. Thankfully, I believe God always gives us exactly what we need. He used you to provided this young woman with a more balanced perspective at an age where she's young enough to make the shift in her mind from what she thought she would do to what she really wants in her heart to do. I'm glad you were used to restore her hope for marriage in her future. She can take it from me, there are men who will wait for you until marriage, and marriage is a beautiful thing. If she wants it, then I certainly pray it's part of God's plan for her at the perfect time, with the one who's good for her. I echo her sentiments to you, "…please keep doing what you’re doing. There are so many futures you are saving."
Jackie BrewtonOctober 22, 2014 at 12:53 pm
Thank you Monica for those wise words. There is so much negativity passed on from parents to their kids about relationships and marriage. I often feel that I’m fighting an uphill battle, wondering what I can say in 3 hours to destroy years of negative beliefs. That’s why I often refer to myself as an “Ambassador of Hope.” Before I can begin to educate them, I have to spend a good bit of time just giving them hope. It’s so sad!
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