In last week’s post I shared with you three lies you don’t want your daughter to believe about herself.
Because doing so can attack her self-esteem and leave her vulnerable to making unhealthy choices, especially when it comes to today’s topic.
Which is—three lies you don’t want your daughter to believe about sex and relationships.
1. “Sex is a requirement in teen relationships.”
When I’m speaking to 8th grade girls, I ask them to tell me what percentage of teen guys expect sex in their relationship. The answers typically range from 50-100%.
I then say to the girls who replied “100%”…
“Here’s the problem with thinking ALL guys want sex…you’re more likely to have sex because you won’t think you have a choice. You’ll say to yourself, ‘I might as well have sex with this boyfriend because that’s what all boyfriends expect. And if I ever plan to be in a relationship as a teenager, I’ll have to have sex eventually anyway.’”
It’s just as disheartening that many teen guys don’t think they have a choice either.
They fear if they don’t ask their girlfriend for sex, she’s either going to think she’s not attractive, or that he’s cheating or gay.
So, much of teen sex occurs because both partners think it’s expected by the other.
If you want to give your daughter hope, have her read the following letter from a young lady in my class:
You said things that made me feel way better. You made me realize how much my boyfriend really loves me. We have been dating for almost two years, and we haven’t had sex. There was one point where I questioned why, because all my friends had talked about it.
They were all doing it.
I would mention sex to him and he would change subjects. I never understood why until once I asked for the thousandth time. He told me, “I do love you, but even if we were both ready to have sex doesn’t mean we’re both ready for what could happen. It would be nice to have sex, but it also is going to be nice to go to college and experience other important stuff.”
At the time, I was taken back because I really thought all boys would want to have sex at some point in the relationship, but I was wrong about that. But I know I’m not wrong in choosing the guy I did. I truly love him and everything about him, but the thing I love most is that respect he has for me. You made me realize I have one of those best guys.
I hope one day all girls find the best guy!
Be sure to remind your daughter this is the type of guy she deserves!
2. “Sex will make him stay!”
I think one of the reasons why sexually active teen girls are so devastated when their relationships end is because they thought sex meant their boyfriend would always stay with them.
This is a typical thought process of a naïve 14-year-old girl:
“I thought sex meant I’d be a part of their lives forever.” ~8th grade girl
It’s bad enough that girls who are already in relationships think sex will cause their boyfriends to stay longer.
What’s even worse are the girls who think sex will cause a teen guy to start dating them.
“The very first day you came, I was planning to have sex with a guy I really like, but he just wanted sex from me. I knew this going in, but I still somehow thought I could change this by having sex with him. Thank you for saving me from making this mistake.”
Thank goodness I was able to prevent this young lady from making a decision she would have undoubtedly regretted.
But, I know there are plenty of other teen girls who have had sex with guys thinking the same way she did.
Your daughter needs to understand the temporary nature of relationships at her age, which I share in much more detail in Chapter 5 of my book, 7 Secrets Guys Will Never Tell You.
3. “Sex will solve my problems.”
I’ve said for years that teen sex is a symptom of a much bigger issue.
It’s often nothing more than medicating pain.
Teen girls have told me they’ve had sex because they were bored, lonely, upset with parents, depressed, etc.
“I lost my virginity when I was 13 and I did use sex as a way to get away from reality.
Thank you, Ms. Jackie, I think you saved me from effing up my life.”
~ 8th grade girl
“I only had sex because of the issues in my life.
Now I know that sex won’t fix the problem.”
~ 10th grade girl
“I used to have sex just because I was scared of being alone.”
~ 9th grade girl
As I tell girls in class regarding the last letter above, no matter how much sex this young lady has, she will still be alone even after the sex is over.
She is trying to solve a temporary issue with something that could come with a permanent consequence.
Expose these three lies about sex and relationships that far too many teen girls believe, so your daughter can make choices that will build up her confidence, boost her self-esteem, and ultimately bolster the goals she has set for herself.
Now that’s the kind of story you and I both want for her!
P.S. The lies teen girls believe about sex and relationships will wreak havoc on your daughter’s sense of value, identity, and peace if she believes them. And that doesn’t even take into account the physical consequences. So please, arm your daughter with the truths I shared TODAY to counter the three lies in this post and last week’s. Then remind her of those truths as often as she needs to hear them.