Over the 18+ years I’ve taught teens healthy relationship skills, I’ve received many letters from Christian teens (girls and guys) who made the decision to have sex.
And there’s one letter in particular that immediately came to mind when the folks at Axis invited me to be a presenter for their Parenting Pivot Challenge to discuss Christian teens and sexuality.
Written by an 18-year-old girl, this letter stood out because it addresses several of the issues Christian teens face when it comes to their decision-making regarding love, sex, and relationships.
Check it out below and see if you can identify the issues…
First, I’d like to say, Thank you. Thank you for being my wake-up call. I am 18 and I started having sex with my boyfriend a couple of months ago. We were both virgins at the time and he didn’t have protection so we took the risk of having sex without protection…multiple times. I thank God that I’m not pregnant… I’m an AP/Honors student with large scholarships to go to a great university and when I think about it, I’m mad at myself for putting all of that at risk.
My boyfriend and I are religious so we were planning on waiting until marriage. However, my friends were all having sex and so were his, and he convinced me that we’ll be together forever. I believe him. I believe him because he believes himself, but I still have doubt because we’re only teenagers and I’m going away to college.
I have felt pressure from him to have sex or do oral sex and it’s the worst feeling in the world so I talk to him about it and he cries or gets upset because he never meant to make me feel that way. So, we fix it and move on. Multiple times we’ve attempted to stop having sex and it’s failed, but a few weeks before you came in we got serious about stopping because we don’t want our relationship to revolve around sex; and the more we had sex, the more we felt like crap.
I have daddy issues, so I would be looking for the love and acceptance from my boyfriend. I looked for it the only way I know how, through sex… What I found is that I lost myself. It made me feel like all I was, was my body. It was like my boyfriend only wanted me for my body when I knew he didn’t. I felt trapped.
The thing is, my boyfriend is a really good guy, but we both got caught up in peer pressure and expectations. Every time he started to feel that we were growing apart, we’d take a break from sex for a while (usually about a month) and took that time to do bible studies and learn how to be better for each other.
As we’d take the breaks, we’d have less sex in between the breaks. So, we’d take a month-long break, have sex once and then take a two-month long break. These breaks only meant from sex, not oral sex, though. And he always ended up getting more out of it than me because I was more comfortable giving rather than receiving. [Receiving oral sex] made me feel dirty and uncomfortable and eventually sex made me feel that way too.
When I talked to him about it, he let out a relieved sigh and said he feels that way too, but he just continued doing things with me because he thought I wanted it. Both of us kept doing this because we thought the other wanted it; but once we talked, we realized neither one of us really wants to. I mean, yeah, it was pleasurable and nice in the moment, but afterwards it was awful.
After you came in, I talked to my boyfriend again about how we both feel about sex and it ended up being one of our most emotional conversations. I finally told him how I felt forced more than that one time and how it was becoming harder for me to look at myself in the mirror. He told me that he really does love me, and never thought of sex as a way to destroy my dreams and he’s so sorry. He and I both agreed to not have sex again and hopefully I’ll be strong enough to tell him no if he initiates it and vice versa.
Already I feel so much better after just talking to him. Now I know that I am worth way more than I thought and I can’t find my worth in sex or a guy. My dad issues don’t define me. My depression and anxiety don’t define me. And the fact that I’ve had sex doesn’t define me, but all of these do influence my future. I’m one of the lucky ones who didn’t get pregnant or an STD and I’m so thankful. I don’t want my future child’s story to start with being born to teen parents. Thank you for opening my eyes.
What the Letter Tells Us About Teens
I’m sure you can see the flawed thinking of this young lady and all the things that caused me concern with this letter.
And there’s sooo much to unpack here that you should be concerned about when it comes to your own teen.
I don’t want to spoil the jam-packed presentation I have planned for the Challenge.
However, I do want to point out the following…
This young lady is 18 years old and while smart academically, not so much when it comes to knowing her worth/value.
(A story I unfortunately find all too common among teen girls.)
Likewise, just because your daughter is book smart doesn’t mean she’s relationship wise.
That has to be taught.
Also, notice how both the young lady and her boyfriend were “religious” and initially virgins, but still chose to have sex?
Please don’t assume that just because your teen is a Christian, she is automatically immune from making poor choices.
And I’m not even talking about hormones here.
For years we’ve heard that there’s no point of trying to convince teens not to have sex because it’s “unrealistic” due to their raging hormones.
But this letter shows that teens’ reasons for having sex can go much deeper than just hormones.
I have numerous letters to prove it, some of which I can’t wait to share with parents like you during my Challenge presentation.
Want to know why Christian teens have sex and how the issues your own daughter may be dealing with can influence her decision-making?
It’s not too late to sign up for the FREE Axis Parenting Pivot Challenge that’s happening NOW by clicking the picture below and join me LIVE next Thursday, Oct. 22nd at 3:30 pm EST.
You’ll be glad you did!
P.S. Although I typically write about teen girls for this blog, my presentation is about the real and sometimes raw issues Christian girls AND guys face surrounding their choices when it comes to love, sex, and relationships. So be sure to sign up for the FREE Axis Parenting Pivot Challenge here if you haven’t already. And believe me, you’ve missed a slew of great presentations if you haven’t joined. Thankfully, they’re still going on now, so go here to register and get caught up!
P.P.S. Also, don’t forget to tell your family and friends, not only about my presentation for the Challenge on Thursday, Oct. 22nd at 3:30 pm EST, but the entire Parenting Pivot Challenge lineup.