What do you do if, after giving your daughter everything you know to give her so she can make the best choices when it comes to love, sex and relationships, she still chooses to become sexually active and/or becomes pregnant?
You purchased the books and videos.
You took her to hear great speakers.
You had in-depth conversations with her about your expectations in this area.
You even shared personal experiences from your teen years in hopes that it would influence her not to make some of the same poor choices.
And still you find out she did the very thing you tried so hard to get her to avoid.
It is the most common question I get asked in emails from parents/moms.
As a matter of fact, I received this email from a mom almost four years ago.
Hello Ms. Brewton,
Several years ago, I and my daughter attended one of your seminars and I LOVED your presentation. I thought my daughter was going to use the experience to motivate her to make good choices but at 19 years old and after only one month into her first semester in college, she is now pregnant. I am heartbroken. I guess my question to you is this… what do you tell young people that attend your seminars but then go out and do the opposite of what you try to instill in them?
My heart goes out to any parent in this mom’s shoes.
This is not an outcome you even want to think about, much less face.
So, if it ever becomes your child’s story, you’re going to want to know what to do too.
The “Talk” You Never Wanted to Have
As hurtful as it would be to find out your daughter has had sex and/or gotten pregnant, the important thing to remember is your daughter and the situation are NOT a lost cause. And it doesn’t mean you failed as a parent.
And that’s exactly what I shared with the mom when I replied to her email (see excerpt below)…
First let me say that I am so sorry to hear the news about your daughter. I can imagine that you are devastated. Mothers want only the best for their children and though it’s not the end of the world, we both know that it’s not the BEST choice for her or her child.
I hope you don’t feel like a failure because of her choice. All you can do is provide your children with the knowledge/information and at the end of the day, they make their own choices. As much as God loves us and gives us everything we need so that we can live an abundant life, we don’t always make the best choices based on the information that we have. So, you and I are no better than God. If God doesn’t make His children do anything we don’t want to do, it would be foolish for you or me to think that we can do what God doesn’t even do.
Also, as much as her life will change as a result of this choice, it would have been so much worse if she had gotten pregnant at 15-16 years old. I’m not trying to minimize what you are feeling because the heartbreak that you are feeling is understandable. But, if it’s any consolation, you will both get through this. I promise!
The BEST thing you can do for your daughter right now is show her your unconditional love. That doesn’t mean that you have to celebrate the pregnancy. But you need to let her know that you love her just the same. Also make sure that any disappointment that you express is rooted in love. “I just wanted more for you. I didn’t want you to have to struggle as a young single mom.” One thing you can also tell her is, “I am more disappointed FOR you than I am IN you because this isn’t the story, I wanted you to write for your life.” Yes, you may also be disappointed in her, but it will do no good for you to focus on that at this time.
Praying for you, your daughter, and the situation.
It wasn’t long before the mom responded:
Thank you for your message Jackie. It made me feel so much better. Prior to reading it, I did feel like a failure. I’m going to take your advice and stay strong and positive. I appreciate everything you are doing for our young people because I know some of them really do take what you tell them to heart. God bless you!
While I pray you never have to take my advice on this subject, I hope you’ll find encouragement in my response to this mom, should you ever find yourself in her shoes.
I also hope if your daughter needs encouragement to boost her confidence so she can make best choices when it comes to love, sex, and relationships, that you’ll take advantage of the resources I have available for teen girls.
Like my 7 Secrets REVEALED Masterclass for teen girls.
This Class is So Much Bigger than Me!
As you may be aware, I started hosting my first 7 Secrets REVEALED Masterclass for teen girls two weeks ago.
And God has done exceedingly, and abundantly above what I could ever ask or think with this virtual training.
I am blown away by the emails I receive after every session from the teen girls and some of their moms, like the following:
“I just finished up the first day of your Masterclass and it has been truly eye-opening…I wrote down four pages of notes (front and back) because of how impactful your words were and made me feel…This is the first day and I am already feeling so motivated and ready to share with anyone who comes my way because I want them to know what I know and am learning. Thank you so much for this opportunity. I know it is going to change my life greatly.” ~Teen Girl Participant
“Tonight was so empowering. My daughter has been exposed to some talks with me and other positive influences—however, your information, your tone, your candor, and the way you deliver it a makes it NEW which is a blessing…it was also reinforcement for ME as a MOM…I could go on and on…
looking forward to Thursday.” ~Mother
And those came after just the first session!
One of the reasons I believe the Masterclass has been so effective, is because I feature guest male speakers for most of the sessions.
Like the teen dad I interviewed this past week.
He did a wonderful job by the way.
But when I told the Masterclass group beforehand that I was going to have him share his story, a mom emailed me after the 3rd session and asked if I would also interview a teen mom.
She thought the girls would benefit from hearing both perspectives, and I thought it was a wonderful idea.
After searching high and low for a teen mom, I remembered the above email I received.
I contacted the mom to see if she thought her daughter would be willing to share her story.
And not only was she willing to share her story, she was eager to.
Words cannot describe how AH-MAZING it was to hear her speak so transparently about her experiences as a teen mom.
If her mother had not reached out to me almost four years ago, I would not have known about her and we would have missed out on such a tremendous story.
The feedback we received from girls and their moms about how the young mom’s interview impacted them (as well as the teen dad’s), was further confirmation how much this Masterclass was needed.
“I’m so glad I got the chance to hear these stories. They impacted me and allowed me to actually understand that it’s honestly not worth it. I’m glad I can learn from others. Even though I feel horrible they had to experience this, I feel even more motivated to not let their stories be wasted.”
~Teen Girl Participant
“Wow…is the only word that can describe how I am feeling at the moment. This was one of my favorite nights so far, the speakers were absolutely wonderful and left me knowledgeable and wanting more.”
~Teen Girl Participant
“Wow! I watched last night with [my daughter] and it was so powerful.
I cannot express the gratitude of your work that you do for the teens today.”
I’m telling you this is so much bigger than me!
Every night we have a session, I’m reminded that God has a plan for this Masterclass, and this is just the beginning.
If your daughter isn’t enrolled, I’ll be hosting another session during the summer.
If you send me an email to email@example.com, I’ll make sure to send you a reminder.
Until then, I hope you enjoy a wonderful, relaxing, healthy and Happy Mother’s Day!
P.S. One of the highlights of the 7 Secrets REVEALED Masterclass is the featured interviews with REAL teens and young adults who are open and transparent about the regrets they’ve experienced as a result of decisions they made when it comes to love sex and relationships. And no matter how much you or I tell teens why waiting is important, there’s nothing like hearing first-hand accounts from young people who’ve been there done that. And your daughter would benefit from their stories too. So, to be sure send me an email to receive a reminder about the upcoming Summer session.
P.P.S. Please share this post with fellow moms who have teen daughters. They can also benefit from reading the first-hand account of a mom who just found out her teen daughter was pregnant, and the advice I gave her.