That Time I Talked a Girl Out of Having Sex with Her Ex

There are times when a student will ask to speak with me after class, that by the time the conversation is over, I’m left wondering…

How in the world did we get here????

Last week I had one of those conversations. 

Here’s how it unfolded:

GIRL:
Hey Ms. Jackie, do you have a minute to talk with me? I need some advice. I was planning to have sex soon, but after listening to you today, I’m not sure if I should. 

ME:
Who were you planning to have sex with?

GIRL:
My ex-boyfriend.

ME: 
You’re not even dating him anymore, but you’re going to have sex with him? Is that because you think sex will cause him to start dating you again?

GIRL:
No, because I was the one who broke up with him and I don’t think we’ll ever get back together in a relationship even though we still talk as friends. I guess one reason I was planning to do it is because of jealousy. 

ME:
What do you mean?

GIRL:
Well, we dated for over a year and never had sex. He never pressured me either. But I just found out that since we’ve broken up, he’s had sex with another girl. 

ME:
I’m guessing the fact that he never asked you to have sex with him, but had sex with the other girl, is why you’re jealous. Because you think he must have found her more attractive.

Listen, you cannot fall into the trap (like so many other girls), of measuring your attractiveness by whether or not a guy asks you for sex. 

That kind of thinking will lead you down a road that you don’t want to travel. 

Is this other girl his new girlfriend?

GIRL:
No, he wasn’t even dating her. He said that when he had sex with her, he was wishing that it could have been me. So, I guess another reason I was planning to have sex with him is to make him happy since he wishes it had been me.

ME:
 Just because he said he wishes it was you, doesn’t mean you have to make his wishes come true!

I wish I knew how to help teen girls understand that y’all aren’t responsible for anyone else’s happiness.

So, is his happiness more important than your future? 

For one, this guy had sex with someone he wasn’t even dating, which says a lot about his character. 

But also, he could have contracted an STD from her which he could pass on to you. 

Not to mention the fact that you could get pregnant by someone you’re not even in a relationship with. 

And you’re willing to risk all of that to have sex with someone who obviously doesn’t care about you???

Because if he did care about you, he wouldn’t let you have sex with him even if you wanted to. 

REAL love always does what’s best for you. And having sex as a teen is never what’s best for you.

GIRL:
I also figured if I had sex with him, I’d get it out of the way.

ME:
I can’t figure out for the life of me why so many girls treat virginity like it’s a burden. That’s a horrible reason to have sex with someone you’re not even dating, just to “get it over with.”

GIRL:
I was having second thoughts about it even before I heard you speak because all of my friends are virgins and I would never want them to find out if I lost my virginity to my ex-boyfriend because they may think I’m stupid. 

ME:
That’s all the more reason you don’t need to do it. 

The fact that you don’t want them to find out about it means it’s not a decision you would be proud of. You can avoid a lot of poor choices if you only make decisions you can be proud of. Always keep that in mind. 

Not only could you be stressed out about the risk of pregnancy or an STD, you’ll have the added stress of trying to keep this secret from your friends. Why would you want to deal with all of that for a temporary feeling of making him happy? 

If you have sex with him, I guarantee you will regret it. 

She dropped her head, thanked me for talking with her and left for lunch. 

When she returned to class Monday, I asked her if she thought anymore about our conversation and what she decided to do. 

She said she decided against having sex, and called her ex-boyfriend over the weekend to let him know that she had changed her mind. 

When I asked how he responded, she said, “He just said okay.”

He’ll probably just move on to the next naïve girl and give it a shot with her. 

So, so disheartening! 

Yet I believe her story provides a great opportunity for you to engage your daughter in a conversation about love, sex, and relationships.

The Big Three

There were three things that stood out most about the conversation I had with the young lady:

1.She was jealous that her ex didn’t ask her to have sex while they dated, but turned around and asked another girl after they broke up. 

The fact that he didn’t ask for sex had her questioning her own sense of attractiveness and ultimately her worth. 

Notice how she pointed out that her ex wished she was the one he had sex with? 

As if it was a badge of honor.

Her ex was reeling her in with just enough validation to entice her to have sex with him.

This is why having ongoing conversations with your daughter about love, sex and relationships is so important.

You can prepare her to recognize these kinds of traps so she can avoid falling prey to a “Player” who doesn’t have her best interests at heart.

2. She was willing to play genie in order to make her ex’s “wishes” come true. 

If I had a dollar for every girl I’ve talked to who felt it was her duty to please a guy…

Far too much sex is happening because girls want to make the guy happy, even at the risk of their own happiness.

It’s heartbreaking and infuriating at the same time. 

And that’s why I share these letters from girls in my class with you.

I don’t want your daughter to think this is the thing to do.

She needs to know she is NOT called to be anybody’s genie!

3. She was ready to get sex “out of the way.”

Viewing virginity as a “burden” is a big problem I see with girls, even as young as in middle school. 

As a result, many are willing to settle just to alleviate themselves of their “burden.”

Which is exactly what the young lady was considering before she took my class.

It didn’t matter that he was her ex whom she had previously broken up with.

Or even that he recently had sex with another girl, not only putting her at risk of getting pregnant but also contracting an STD.

All that mattered was getting sex “out of the way.”

Is that how you want your daughter to view her virginity?

I didn’t think so. 

I’m not sure how we got to the place where any girl would consider having sex with an ex because:
a. he asked another girl for sex and not her,
b. she wants to make his wishes come true, or
c. she feels like she might as well get it over with.

But I do know the only way out is to teach our girls they are worth so much more than that!

And that’s what your daughter needs to hear from you. 

Again…and again…Until she believes it.

What do you think could possibly stand in the way of your daughter believing she’s worth more than that?

I’m looking forward to reading your response.

And don’t forget to include your daughter’s response after you share this blog post with her. 

P.S. The reality is your daughter may not feel comfortable coming to you for advice the way this young lady came to me after class. So I suggest going to her first!

Use this young lady’s story as a conversation starter.

Ask your daughter how she would react to finding out her ex asked another girl for sex and didn’t ask her.

Would she feel less attractive because he didn’t ask her for sex?

Does your daughter recognize the trap the girl’s ex set by telling her he wished he had sex with her instead?

How would your daughter respond if she was in the girl’s shoes?

And does your daughter view virginity as a “burden?”

There’s so much good stuff to unpack here with your daughter.

I hope you’ll take advantage and talk about it.

P.P.S. And while you’re at it, encourage your mom friends to do the same with their daughters by sharing this post on social media. Thank you!

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