Most girls think ALL guys want sex.
Just ask the 8th grade girls I teach. Whenever I survey the class to find out whether they think all guys want sex, their most common responses are “YES” or “Most if not all.”
But the reality is that’s just not the case.
To prove it, I share the results of a study Seventeen Magazine did a few years ago called, “That’s What He Said.”
In the study they interviewed 13-19-year-old guys about love, sex, and relationships.
To the girls’ surprise, 56% of the guys said they were relieved when the girl said NO to sex.
I try to help them understand that boys are under just as much pressure to have sex as they are.
Society, media, the culture, all communicate the message that sex will make them a man.
I tell the girls that I’m sure some of the 56% even asked for sex because they didn’t think they had a choice.
They were afraid that if they didn’t ask for sex their girlfriend may think they’re gay, cheating or doesn’t find them attractive.
A lot of girls tell me in their letters that they only had sex because they were afraid that if they didn’t, they might lose a boyfriend that they really like.
(At which point I respond, “You’re right! If you don’t have sex with your boyfriend, you may lose a boyfriend that you really like. But, you’ll never lose a boyfriend who really likes you.”)
In light of all that, is it any wonder that when prom season rolls around (like now), both guys and girls feel like it’s the “perfect” time to prove themselves?
A Not So “Perfect” Ending
A few years ago, a high school junior approached me to ask for my advice after the second day of hearing me speak.
His girlfriend was a sophomore, who originally told him she wanted to wait until marriage for sex.
He shared that she had recently told him she changed her mind and now wanted to have sex with him on prom night.
He admitted he didn’t know what to do because he lost all respect for her when she changed her mind about sex.
He said, “One of the things I respected about her the most was that she had standards and wanted to wait until marriage for sex. Now she’s telling me something different, and I’m not sure what to do about that. I don’t respect her anymore. What should I do?”
(Respecting a young lady’s decision to abstain is one of the signs I tell girls they can expect from a “Best Guy” in Chapter 3 of 7 Secrets Guys Will Never Tell You.)
My response to him:
“I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. She did not have the opportunity to hear what you heard over the past couple of days. If she had heard the same presentation you heard, maybe she wouldn’t have changed her mind about when she wanted to have sex. I would go back to her and share everything you heard during my class and see if she still wants to have sex on prom night. If she does, then maybe she’s not the right girl for you.”
A couple of weeks later, I saw the young man in the hall when I returned to the school to teach other classes.
I asked him how the conversation went with his girlfriend. He told me they broke up because he couldn’t stay with her after she changed her mind about sex.
I’m sure the young lady thought her boyfriend would be elated when he found out she was willing to have sex with him on prom night.
She may have thought to herself, He’s going to be sohappy when I tell him I have something special for him on prom night if he sticks around until the spring.
Instead, she lost what could have been the long-term relationship she wanted.
All because sex wasn’t what he wanted.
And I wouldn’t be surprised if offering sex wasn’t what she wanted either.
It may have just been what she thought she had to do to keep him around and make him happy.
I’m sure she was heartbroken after he broke up with her, but the truth is he did her a favor.
And you can do your daughter a favor too.
If she’s getting ready to go to prom with a date, make sure she knows
…the night is “special” enough on its own.
…having sex isn’t going to make their time together any more “perfect.”
…and if she’s dating a “Best Guy,” he won’t respect her even if she offers. So, don’t!
Is your daughter going to prom with a date this year? If so, how are you preparing her for the pressures that come with it?
Let me know by commenting below. And I’d love to see her prom pic, whether she’s going with a date, girlfriends or solo.
P.S. Prom is an exciting time for your daughter. And there’s more to preparing for it than just finding the perfect dress or scheduling a photoshoot. If you need back-up, my Dating Boundaries 101virtual eguide is a great resource to reinforce what you’ve already discussed about prom and reassure her that sex won’t make the night ”perfect.”